Tits, Zits and Chinese Doctors- Or My Changing Body in China

Not to be creepy, but I think my body is undergoing some abnormal metamorphosis in China, maybe its all some sick commie plot. I am a man, but seem to be morphing into much less of my ideal of what a man ‘should’ be. I dont know if its my budding ‘man-tits’, or the newly sprouting zits on my face, but I dont feel like myself anymore. Long beyond the age of a person accustomed to getting zits, I checked and today I have three, to me its distressing. apart from this, my pendulous breasts announce my presence through the door before my nose, and when i stumble down the stairs, to all outward appearances, I could have played one ot the leading roles in Bay Watch. I fear that when wrapped in swaddling clothes, my body may now appear more feminine than masculine, a trend i’d like to reverse. I’ve canceled my appointment with a local chinese witch-‘doctor’, a certain man named ‘zircon’, whose only claim to fame is a self published book in which he describes how to heal oneself by righting the four battling forces of health: blood, fire, capitalism and sin. I figure to forgo the one dollar ransom this man charges, to tell me that the flowering acne comes from my greed and wanderlust and three incantations from the Mao book should heal me up just fine. I’ve not called his offices yet, to confirm my cancellation, but hope he harbors no ill will. being born before 1980 he has siblings, half of whom are communist party members, the other half gangsters, I guess in the end they work for the same company. Instead of seeing this wonderful man , I have self diagnosed, today I will be cutting back on my intake of lead, cadmium and melamine, I mean I’ll be steering clear of fruits veggies and milk. In the end I hope to reclaim my body from the pubescent teen it has become. If this fails I can always undergo surgery when I return to civilization.