Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Rant on China, Li Na and Chinese Athletics

Posted by w_thames_the_d on June 9, 2011


The gods of athletic fate have pulled many a cruel joke on the people inhabiting the center country or china s I like to call it. In a place sporting over 23% of all the people on the planet, it took them from 4-5 generations of breeding to produce just one basketball player of account, an Olympic hurdler and now a tennis player who doesn’t suck. But times they are a changing, maybe what transpired on june 4, the anniversary of the tian.en.massac.re was a sign of things to come. For on this day tangerine skinned li na dealt a death blow to the collective libido of mankind by defeating that hot Russian and then the one person vaguely resembling a man. Could it be that in a double whammy of good fortune, Li no not only made it possible to say the date June 4 without being sent to the countryside for re-education through labor, but also ushered in the new era of chinese athletics?
Hmm, think of it like this. After a century of breeding like mosquitoes, the NBA discovered a 7’6” oddity of nature who could actually hoop. This man, Yao Ming was soon the love of all china, for frankly he didnt suck, just as the billions before him. Thus, to the Chinese he represented the hope of the next generation. Unfortunately the joke turned out to be a cruel one as all of the little future Chinese disappointments soon found out. Rushing to the playgrounds to become the next yao, tons of Chinese one child policy failures soon found out the harsh realities of physics and the fact that possessing the vertical leap of a bulldog coupled with the body of walking stick meant the lack of requisite upward propulsion required to make one not suck in basketball. After countless hours of practice, lessons and tears, the one child dregs gave up on the NBA and found solace in video games, man purses, Cheesburgers and cigarettes.
But now there is new hope on the horizon in the form of the little sprite called li na. Sure she’s built like a wad of chewing tobacco but she sure can swing those miniature arms and propel herself along reminiscent of Earl campbell. To the Chinese she not only gave reason to reinstate the date of the 4 day of june to the calendar, but also hope in the ability of China to not suck in sports.
Emboldened by li Na’s victory we see a ton of block headed little squatty boddies rushing off to squander 30U$ per hour on lessons promising to turn them into the next big thing. Nudging up their weighty glasses with meaty fat thumbs, they take one last chomp of that big mac and waddle off, legs rubbing together in that swish swish sound, as their coach screams something about discipline being the difference between winning and losing.
Much to the chagrin of their coaches, little xo*(o jsoidsj fof or “Jonny” as he is called by his underpaid English teacher, has no more talent at chasing the yellow ball than a water beetle, but as he needs the cash, johnny’s coach never shares this with Xiao su wang or Lilly, Johnny’s mom. Glancing down at her robust skull covered with one of those hideous lampshade like hats so common here, the coach explains to Lilly that the pride of the clan or Lilly’s son is doing just fine. Sure he has invested months in the training and has yet to master the art of making contact with the ball, but that is just due to a ‘growth spurt’ causing ‘temporary awkwardness’ the coach explains as johnny crimson faced dry heaves at the overexertion caused by seven minutes of calisthenics he was forced to endure. Upon being able to walk, Jonny trundles next to Lilly and she now beams at her fourteen year old son whose head now approaches her navel and yanks him closer, ignorant of the harsh realities of life. Growing up in the seventies she was unburdened by things like education and sports so takes the word of the coach.
Across the field in the choking Beijing smog the scene plays out a myriad of times all with the same conclusions.
In true Chinese fashion it takes them a few billion attempts to manufacture one product that is worth a shit, but we cant tell the lilly’s of the world, for what would they do then?

The gods of athletic fate have pulled many a cruel joke on the people inhabiting the center country or china s I like to call it. In a place sporting over 23% of all the people on the planet, it took them from 4-5 generations of breeding to produce just one basketball player of account, an Olympic hurdler and now a tennis player who doesn’t suck. But times they are a changing, maybe what transpired on june 4, the anniversary of the tian.en.massac.re was a sign of things to come. For on this day tangerine skinned li na dealt a death blow to the collective libido of mankind by defeating that hot Russian and then the one person vaguely resembling a man. Could it be that in a double whammy of good fortune, Li no not only made it possible to say the date June 4 without being sent to the countryside for re-education through labor, but also ushered in the new era of chinese athletics?
Hmm, think of it like this. After a century of breeding like mosquitoes, the NBA discovered a 7’6” oddity of nature who could actually hoop. This man, Yao Ming was soon the love of all china, for frankly he didnt suck, just as the billions before him. Thus, to the Chinese he represented the hope of the next generation. Unfortunately the joke turned out to be a cruel one as all of the little future Chinese disappointments soon found out. Rushing to the playgrounds to become the next yao, tons of Chinese one child policy failures soon found out the harsh realities of physics and the fact that possessing the vertical leap of a bulldog coupled with the body of walking stick meant the lack of requisite upward propulsion required to make one not suck in basketball. After countless hours of practice, lessons and tears, the one child dregs gave up on the NBA and found solace in video games, man purses, Cheesburgers and cigarettes.
But now there is new hope on the horizon in the form of the little sprite called li na. Sure she’s built like a wad of chewing tobacco but she sure can swing those miniature arms and propel herself along reminiscent of Earl campbell. To the Chinese she not only gave reason to reinstate the date of the 4 day of june to the calendar, but also hope in the ability of China to not suck in sports.
Emboldened by li Na’s victory we see a ton of block headed little squatty boddies rushing off to squander 30U$ per hour on lessons promising to turn them into the next big thing. Nudging up their weighty glasses with meaty fat thumbs, they take one last chomp of that big mac and waddle off, legs rubbing together in that swish swish sound, as their coach screams something about discipline being the difference between winning and losing.
Much to the chagrin of their coaches, little xo*(o jsoidsj fof or “Jonny” as he is called by his underpaid English teacher, has no more talent at chasing the yellow ball than a water beetle, but as he needs the cash, johnny’s coach never shares this with Xiao su wang or Lilly, Johnny’s mom. Glancing down at her robust skull covered with one of those hideous lampshade like hats so common here, the coach explains to Lilly that the pride of the clan or Lilly’s son is doing just fine. Sure he has invested months in the training and has yet to master the art of making contact with the ball, but that is just due to a ‘growth spurt’ causing ‘temporary awkwardness’ the coach explains as johnny crimson faced dry heaves at the overexertion caused by seven minutes of calisthenics he was forced to endure. Upon being able to walk, Jonny trundles next to Lilly and she now beams at her fourteen year old son whose head now approaches her navel and yanks him closer, ignorant of the harsh realities of life. Growing up in the seventies she was unburdened by things like education and sports so takes the word of the coach.
Across the field in the choking Beijing smog the scene plays out a myriad of times all with the same conclusions.
In true Chinese fashion it takes them a few billion attempts to manufacture one product that is worth a shit, but we cant tell the lilly’s of the world, for what would they do then?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: