Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Chinese “Security Guards” AKA Barney Fife’wang

Posted by w_thames_the_d on November 21, 2011


China has these things called ‘security guards’, but like most things here they need further description. According to m-w.com a guard is
: one assigned to protect or oversee another: as
a : a person or a body of persons on sentinel duty”

This definition, however, fails when trying to comprehend what a ‘chinese security’ guard truly is. so , to enlighten my fellow cynics, WT has created a working definition for a Chinese security guard , to wit

Chinese security guard
1- person who shortly after being plucked from the womb, engages in various failures aka jobs until he is sent from the deepest recesses of poverty stricken china to any major metropolitan whereupon he learns to smoke and act terribly disinterested.

The overflowing cap he wears must sag to his ears and or effeminate shoulders.

Said guard should be proficient in garble talk and avoid foreigners at all costs. His lilliputian fngers should be able to twirl that slab of over sized chopstick they call a baton in an unassuming and less than menacing fashion.

His body height and weight should be similar to that of a marsupial , the less imposing the better.

A stern look of ignorance is a must, lest he be forced to provide things like directions and or customer care.

His lithe body should be no more robust than one of those fly traps that hangs from the ceiling so that he can fit into the uni-size attire and belt that he must wrap ‘cocoon like’ around his timid frame.

Slopping noodles from a bowl is a must and possession of the uncanny ability to avoid conflict at all costs is essential.

contrary to popular opinion, there are actually gazillions of these men and not just a clone of deng yi dung, who was the most noble model thereof.

No schooling is required, and actually discouraged, lest he get ambitious and foil any of the chicanery the ‘leaders’ are up to.

Contrary to his peers in the west who thrive on the power that wielding a radio imply, he is satisfied with wiling away his days marching in unobtrusive silence.

(ps the guy in the photo is a real Chinese cop aka a guy who only ten years ago was more of a fuk up than a security guard but leveraged a contact so that he now earns thousand on extorting cash from the populace- allegedly)

One Response to “Chinese “Security Guards” AKA Barney Fife’wang”

  1. APP is an Oklahoma based, privately owned, security and risk management company operating in all 50 states and with partners in Germany. We offer comprehensive services and advice on every aspect of security – ranging from corporate operations, commercial and retail security risk aversion to close protection and high commodity transport.

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