Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Drop Kicks, Rage and Chinese Airport Security

Posted by w_thames_the_d on December 12, 2011


A while back I saw something at the airport which reminded me why I love China.

The event in question is one of those incidents that can only occur in a place this messed up. What, you ask, happened?

What I saw was nothing less than a mini version of the Saturday Night Smack-down- All star wrestling Style. And best of all, it was free.

As I was deplaning at Beijing International airport I saw an Asian guy get upset about his lost or stolen luggage. The man could not find a bag or briefcase and spoke to the Chinese air hostesses to rectify his situation. In typical chinese fashion stewardess (s) claimed to know nothing about the bag and offered as much help as they do during the flight, which means next to none.

The man, who I believe to be Chinese, took matters in his own hands. As we deplaned and then waited to pass through security, the guy approached each passenger looking for his bag. Mind you that there was security, a term so nebulous in China that it barely merits being uttered. Sure the Chinese security is more polite than the neanderthals we have minding the gates back in civilization, but they till suck. i do not know if it is the native insecurity of the breed or what, but they seem fearful to take a stand.

Anyway, the Chinese guy is approaching each passenger with a brian urlacher look of ferocity. As he passes by we all shrug our shoulders for most of us are not from China and know not to take that which is not ours. Thus we claim to know nothing about said stolen luggage.

Finally the Chinese guy finds his bag, or what he believes to be his bag snugly in the puny fists of a fellow Chinaman. Politely he asks the guy to hand it over. The Chinese security force, for some unknown reason, has decided that more important things such as picking their noses and counting their shoelaces deserve their attention, they offered no help.

So the owner of the bag gets angry and demands the bag and the other Chinese guy, aka dirty thief tells him to fk off and keeps it. So Chinese guy 1 gets super pissed and shoves the other guy and then all hell broke lose. Chinese guy 2, aka dirty thief, laid the smackdown on chinese guy 1 and was on top of him administering a ‘boom boom’ with his fists. A crowd of over 100 are enthralled as the little dervish -aka dirty thief, proceeds to go nuclear on china man 1’s nose and mouth.

I am not sure, but i believe the Chinese security guards had taken notice at this point, or at least this is what i believe, for i saw them taking bets on who would be the victor.

The WWF twist occurred when China man one’s shicksa decided to get involved. based upon the dyed blonde hair and spray on blue jeans replete with camel toe, she was China man one’s favorite gun-moll. So with a look of hatred that Stalin would have condoned or promoted, she shrieked like a Mohican and charged China man 2.

On her approach, she dipped her shoulder like one of those monstrous New Zealand All Blacks and then at the last moment pulled a Sebastian Janikowski and drop kicked china man 2 square in the chops. the ensuing blood made the Virginia Tech incident (s) seem tame and after china man 2 rolled off her man, she saddled up to China man 1 in order to salve his now emasculated self.

for their part, the security guards sprang to action and called for an underpaid and overused Chinese worker to clean up the blood then reminded us all that we must be on our way.

As i walked off I looked at the carnage. One China man in the arms of his loving squeeze battered and bruised. The other guy with a rapidly swollen puss writhing in the death throes of a cerebral hemotoma while his ten friends comfort him and a bakers dozen of Chinese security now sending text messages.

I don’t know what to say except I would think that with as much practice that the C? Chinese have had with killing one another, that they would have better security than this….

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