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An American in China

Archive for March, 2012

Klingons, Shanghai, Dirty China and a Rant

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 31, 2012

Here is a rock star rant of epic proportions by none other than


(btw King, I too have been sick as fk. Probably some little parasite that civilization exterminated decades ago)

All Rise!

“Well if you guys were wondering where in the hell I was the past few days, I was curled up paler than Micheal Jackson’s corpse. in a cold sweat trying to fight off demonic (Ergot mold), hallcinations ala (Freaks, a movie about circus freaks), because Carreyfour’s food once again poisons me with Fugu (pufferfish sushi), toxins. The Good news I am not further immuned to disease should the end comes in a zombified outbreak of some diesase, and likely rebuild Canmerican society like on “Postman, Stand, Red Dawn”. the bad news, I was up to my eyeballs in my own Jenkem. Fuck you China.

Things I’m going to do when I fuck off back to civilization, in 3 months. I got myself a knife for cooking, It’s very sharp. going to cut the cord of various expensive electronics, like the brain washing boob tube (honestly if the Chinese are gleefully clapping like Mormons at General Conference (a yearly concave of Mormondom, much akin to Chinese 5 year plans, and other “congress” meetings, where idiots clap like robots), then you are a BOOB. Anyways, because the fuzzy squared hair moron down stairs, who runs this flop house (I’d have to admit this is a clean apartment, shiny tiles, clean paint), refuses to install my internet even though I paid him honest good money for it. 5 days now… I’m going to fuck up his apartment, I’m getting a screwdriver and unscrewing anything I can unscrew, But I’ll make it appear as everything intact that way, when the fag who resides in that shit hole next, finds out. then it’ll be funny. I cut my finger on my shaver this morning, so I helter skelter font, with my own blood wrote “Fuck you China” my catch phrase here. I’m going to slash up the plasma screen. (This is actually a GOOD thing, I’m doing him or her a favor!, whyyyy? That way, he doesn’t waste fucking hours of his life trying to cook noodles with a piece of shit electronic mini stove, while watching “My fair Natasha” (She’s hot by the way, about a blond Red, warrior form Russia falling in love with a Chinese, fighting Japanese), Not even a movie. This fucking city can’t even give me a subtitled movie, I have to see little queer chinese boy bands, gay it up with “break dancing”, endless shows about why Japanese people are psychotic rapists…

Like you know you’re Chinese when…..

1) Shows revolve around mistresses,
2)Shows revolve around some fatso in a white 30’s playboy suit and stylish white fedora, shooting up Japanese
3)Shows revolve around some fatson and his mistress shooting up Japanese.
4)Shows revolve around money mistresses, some 30 playboy in stylish white fedora shooting up Japanese while riding in a motorcycle (again a completely different series)
5)shouting matches between your neighbors family involves 30s playboys in Fedoras shooting up Japanese while riding in a motorcycle, while daring dos. (a completely differnt series)
6-10) See 1 through 5.

Someone will simply have to pay for my sufferance, so why not make it my square fuzzy bristol push broom haired triangle mouth (those weird mouth lines that resemble two sides of a Equaliatrial triangle (Ummm like Obama). I’m fuming I’m pissed off, I’m sick, very very sick, physically, mentally, and emotionally, living in a nice apartment, but neverless, still in a noisy hell hole beside the Hongkou Football Stadium. (I’m going to go to games, just to enjoy watching the Shithui’s Shitghua team fucking LOSE”. 3 months my Visa will expire. If you fellow expats visas are about to expire here’s what you do. 1)Go to the Brazilian counsilate 2), file for a Brazilian Visa work permit 3) relocate your businesses to Brazil.

All evening I’m accosted by China’s “peace keeping” in Africa. (you know the same peace keeping where they enabled the likes of Joesph Kony, and the Jangaweed Militias, and All manners of evil). All evening I’m accosted by gibberish this “Nahne pu, narroulddddd ching ching, xing shou shou shou chaolll). This Shanghai district is just as intelligble as Klingon, except Klingons are cool. I refuse to debase myself to learn such a useless language. Ta Bo dolly dolly awwww?

Took some Juicy fruit and gumed up the trunk top of a Chinese driver. lol. Going to cut up the apartment’s washers, and all attaching hoses…. the hot water tank, the heater-ac, (it’s a cheap level 3 wasting piece of shit. breaking the bed, by playing “Floor is made of Lava”, fucking up their Plasma TV, unscrewing what I can unscrew. Lots of Rock star shit I can do. I can even gum up the coin machine for the washers. (so they have to keep on replacing this shit. Whyyyy? Because Fuck you China that’s why! And the province’s government gave me a medal for being a good boy helping the poor. What the fuck happened to me these 3 years? I guess 3 years or absolte retarded supidity, like fuck just trying to use the internet cafe…… Because the bimbo and fag boy couldn’t READ english. In Canmerica, just go in pay for a computer and leave.

Oh get this they have all sorts of fun games here. Guess which theme? 3 Kingdoms (war craft), and games that involve killing guess who? (pssst. The Japanese). You know something. I’m going to get my education, I’m going to participate in the JET program for a few Seasons… :Like this white Fedora wearing Chinese “dick tracy” looking hero killing Japanese soldiers with a pistol, yet the blood splatters seems like those Colt 45 Anacondas with big slugs (bullets that make a ugly mess), Yet these Japanese silkened samurais seem to jump off roots like batman. Graphics are a piece of shit. Like the Chinese can’t even do THIS right.

What else can I rant about. Oh yeah, the raw sweage smell, Well at least when I go back to Canada, I can save on Weed, I’m already perma fried from the stink. I’d like to make fun of the Chinese, but with 3 months to go, why bother? They’re stuck here in a place where grown adults debase themselves like animals, death and disease is rampant. I’m going back to my quite suburb to lick my wounds and prepair for my next adventure (hopefully the World Youh Day in Brazil), where I’m a bonified Christian.

I guess I can deface more Chinese bills with Christian slogans, like “Jesus is the God of China, he’s greater than the CPC, and he wants to bring you to heaven”. I still want to hand write a bible and leave it for some Chinese to read. This way I can say to God, at least I spread the message. I’d laugh if God actually intended me to do that, 3 years of Bullshit just for that. lol. Like that stupid Hong Kong lady I did my bone marrow operation for, she wasted her life. Oh noes I’m poor (she lives ina very well endowed apartment), I’m going to sulk in my apartment.

Will continue to push around idiots who get in my way as I exit the Metro. But it’s going to feel soooo good once I fly away back to a soverigh democratic country, I’m definatly going to learn how to shoot, will be expensive, but I will be taking up combative sports like Fencing, self defense, Kravz Maga, guns, so when these Chinese warriors, invade, under a chinese magical heavenly moon, They’ll face something even MORE bad ass. A CHINESE…… CANADIAN, (we’re high on Poutine, and Tim Hortons Donuts, we’re invincible, and lots and lots and lots of COFFEE. Don’t fuck with Canada. We’re like that psychotic dude with glasses in the army unit, who’s like quite and sweet and nice to people, (ummm like Sweet Chuck, or Little Mousy Hooks from Police Academy, until really pissed off….. Don’t piss off people who’s diet consists of Pizza and slurpees! just don’t do it China.

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Chinese Street Peddlers

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 31, 2012

The words below were written over 150 years ago, but the photos taken this year. China never changes…

A Bit of Old China-new (Charles Warren Stoddard)
“Turn which way we choose, within two blocks, on either hand we find nothing but the infinitely small and astonishingly numerous forms of traffic on which the hordes around us thrive. No corner is too cramped for the squatting street cobbler; and as for the pipe-cleaners, the cigarette-rollers, the venders of sweetmeats and conserves, they gather on the curb or crouch under overhanging windows, and await custom with the philosophical resignation of the Oriental.”

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Another Chinese Knockoff- Pinterest

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 31, 2012

China, whose last invention came when Jesus was still roaming the land, has knocked off yet another foreign biz…. pinterest.com.

With all those people, wouldn’t you think the Chinese could come up with something original?


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Bloody Qtips and Chinese Hospitcal Hygeine

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 31, 2012

The other day I had to go to a Chinese hospital/gulag camp. While there, I had to give a blood sample, which I figured could not be too problematic a thing to do.

Upon arriving at the designated location, however, I spied those little blood speckled qtips on the floor at my feet….

yeah, here I am sitting at a blood letting table in a Chinese hospital and the guy taking samples is not wearing gloves, he’s grabbing at my arm and I am sitting amidst a floor full of potentially hazardous waste.

I jerked my hand back from the guy and told him it was ok, I could prick my own finger and he could test the blood. He did so, then did not cleanse the wound nor his hands and I walked off, thankful to be alive.

As for the qtips, some may worry about things like AIDS, but that virus does not live long outside the body. The more pressing concern would be things like hepatitis and the like. But this is China where lives are a dime a dozen, so who really worries about things like hospital hygeine?

China, thousands of years old and still not civilized.

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Tour Guide Hookers, Kidneys for Ipads and Chinese Holiday

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

Next week is a holiday in China, sort of. What I mean to say that it is qinming holiday, a time where the locals gather in their homes to collectively accomplish roughly as much as they do while at ‘work’.

The funny thing is that holidays in China are not like those in civilization, after all, who really cares if twenty percent of the world’s population rests or not?

The difference between Chinese and civilized holidays is that we have off Mon through Wednesday….but… must work Saturday and Sunday… wtf? Yeah, a Chinese ‘holiday’ is nothing more than a shuffling of off days.


it being a holiday, the subways are packed with Chinese treasures, illiterate farmers, and hooker tour guides. The former pack into the Beijing metro en masse and gleefully look forward to heading off to Tianenman to catch a glimpse of the pickled, bloated corpse of the man whom they love. The latter head off in the same direction in search of the almighty greenback.

Perhaps I should explain, for if you have never done penitence, aka been sentenced to live in China , and no I do not mean just visiting Shanghai for a quick toss off, but I mean those of us who have actually spent any amount of time here. For those of us doomed to exist in the land of strife and deceit, have seen the prevalence of both sorts of people.

The poor villagers, for their part, are kind people who want nothing more than to be left alone, make a hundred bucks a month and send it home. The tour guide/hookers, however, are another story. Wives of businessmen traveling to China pay heed….

Chinese tour guides are small business driven by profit, this being the case, they pursue it with great gusto. In a country where people sell kidneys for Ipads and virgins offer up their first time for an Iphone, you can imagine what a tour guide will do for some hard currency.

And being the tourist season, the tour guides/happy johnstons are out in full force. Of course they will not overtly state that they will, for a small tip, give you some ‘dome’ but their demeanor, attire and attitude announce it all to well. The women are as thick as corruption in china, especially in places like Tianenman, Wangfujing, the hutongs, Yonganli, Guiomao, the second ring road, the third and fourth ring roads, in the city center, in the northeast, west, south and within a 300 mile radius of Beijing. So yes, you will see them . (Wives, this is why the good hubby has so many ‘boring’ trips to China with the company)

A peculiarity of Chinese culture is that the women, who imho in general, aesthetically fare no better than a common wilderbeast, feel as if their junk is made of crystal.This , although they possess fewer teeth than limbs, but when you have 30 million extra guys running around, you are bound to get cocky.

The hookers/tour guides, do not like to be in close proximity to the poor villagers. perhaps it reminds them of the years past and from whence they come. Thus, stuffing both the poor villagers and moral inept hookers into an overstuffed hunk of steel buried beneath the ground makes for some interesting interactions.

Today for instance, one such guide was huffing and puffing at some villager who had accidentally touched her while passing by. The others cowered in fear, for she had a fake designer bag and thus by Chinese standards was better than they. The funny thing was that the whole time she was eying a foreigner who seemed unawares. Setting her sites upon the man, she waited till he departed and then took off after him. One of the poor guys that she had embarrassed seized the moment and shot his foot forth tripping her.

Her ensuing crash on the cement and splattering of her Grucci bag and all of its contents ensured that this was not to be her day…

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A US based Chinese Supermarket Sells….

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

In the article below, a US based Chinese supermarket illegally sells stuff, but the real story is….
A Chinese supermarket in the USA? Wtf?
We don’t even have Chinese supermarkets here in the big stinky. That is of course, Unless you call street hawkers with abyss black gums yapping at you while you whiz by on a three wheeled trike of death, some sort of hypermarket.
Really, who would buy anything from a Chinese grocer? Even the people here do not buy locally made goods so why would anyone else?
The real story is how you should be Trayvonned if you are dumb enough to enter one of those places.


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Taiwanese Say They Do Not Belong to China

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

Sixty seven percent of Taiwanese polled said that Taiwan and China are the same country….no shocker there…


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China Graduates 6.8 Million People This Year-so What?

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

This year 6.8 million Chinese will graduate from semi worthless universities and poach for semi worthless jobs (yes I have uni experience here and it’s laughable).
In any event, one child drones are now being expelled like flatulence into a cathedral, both unwanted and disturbing. The drones look forward to slaving away for a few hundred dollars per month, or twice as much as they are worth, based upon the pitiful education they have received.
Fortunately for civilization, almost one half of one million of them is seeking to study overseas where they will lie, cheat and steal to enter school and then wait for a tremendous upheaval in the motherland at which point they will apply for political asylum.
I think that the three word haiku the King coined for China is appropriate…
Fk U china


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World Banks Vice President A Traitor?

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

Some guy named Justin Yifu Lin is the VP of the world bank, and a traitor. The guy is from Taiwan, but defected to China, of all places. Call me sentimental, but I don’t trust people who betray their homeland…..


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Brew on Chinas Bo Xilai

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 30, 2012

Heres a comment by Brewskie on the Bo Xilai scandal and his one child trick. Actually I agree with the bit about Bo. This place is so filthy that no one is not corrupt. As for Bos vile offspring, I hope he gets what he deserves. I heard he’s a pos who hangs out with foreign chicken hawks -allegedly.

From the BrewMan
Actually, I kind hope the US does offer him citizenship: on one caveat, that he spills the beans on the rest of the black roses in the Party.

Yeah, Bo’s evil, but when you’re surrounded in a garden of evil, the question becomes “Who is evil, who is good; how do you measure relativity?”

As I said: communism is a disease. Doesn’t matter if you’re pure Marxist, Stalinist, Maoist or quasi-capitalistic/mercantilist, once you’re a bad-boozin’, back-stabbing, lying piece-of-shit who usurps the productivity/vaults/crop fields of the the citizenry, you’re as much a communist as Ozzie Osborne is an alcoholic. Total evisceration out of what’s left of your Dick Cheney heart (that SOB just got a transplant; his donor’s gotta be pukin’ in his/her grave) is the only reformation, cure.

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