Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Top Ten Reasons Why China Sucks, From The King

Posted by w_thames_the_d on April 8, 2012


The Kings list of why you should not come to China

1. So you want to make money in China? Ok, how about bringing it HOME, with out typical red tape, and staff who pick this one moment to express their rather limited English vocabulary, but somehow, are comfortably articulate enough in a KTV hmmmmmmmmmm.

2. Adults shit in the streets, all you’ll smell is raw sweage, that gets you more permafried than Cheech Marin’s bong water.

3. The Chinese love Mayonaise. (Mayo, they’ll always say Mayo, (Mei Yao (not have).

4. the beaches have green pee water (you know how you urinate and the blue water turns lime green? That’s the colour of beaches here)

5. Depending on where you live would it be Mordor (The volcanic land where every step you take you breath vaporic acid) aka northern China, or a Jungle in the South, where the secenery may trigger Flashbacks from the time you played a Grunt extra on the set of “Platoon” all Chinese cities their drab colours, or their Garish colours (that will give you a stomach flu), like blood purple with Jade Emperior Green for house trimmings. most Chinese cities are run down tiled montrocities with grime that resemble the skidmarks of greasy old man’s undies. You know balding wearing a wife beater, beer, greasy stubble….

6. no entertainment, you’ll have to resort to drinking in a bar, oh look the teller from reason #1, just asked you for a drink, odd, NOW she can speak english?

7. Poison, this should be reason 1. But somehow this doesn’t seem to get through potential Expat’s heads, but everything is poisonous, the sustainance you eat, to the air you breath, to the second hand smoke (especially second hand smoke) ughhhh everything is poisonous, even if you make bazillion dollars What good is it when you have CANER?

8. Again should be reason 1, but you’re honestly really playing with fire, everything here is a gong show of accidents, that make “Final Destination” too real (I honestly can’t watch that awesome movie series now, because I actually seen those deaths happen in REAL life, or read about them anyways, Everything from retarded Chinese children who think that by jumping off a window they can enter the realm of Warcraft, to little girls who get smoked by cars, to drivers plunging off bridges, apartments turning people into pancakes. The chances of bodily physical harm have ten folded, so much that every lurch of plane train or automobile turns you into a nervous nelly, and if that’s not enough, the cab drivers who drive on the WRONG side of the road, run reds lights, and ride electric bikes on the SIDE WALK….. You might as well be the little frog on Frogger (an American video game where you help a little frog cross a freeway beside a river and navgate him across the river to his home. (odd that he drowns though, he’s a Frog! Frogs can swim?)

9. You’ll honestly have nothing to do, you don’t want to go to communist museums, the news periodicals are all intellectual masturbations like “psychologie”, and other 1984 Puritanical do good literature, you had enough raw data at work and just want to veg out your mind. so you turn on the tube. And are entertained with such wonderful sights as Japanese soldiers giving a Cesearian to a Pregnant Chinese peasant…… with his bayonette, Want to watch something more family oriented? Sure! cartoons where 5 year olds are actually kicking the shit out of each other with blades causing internal bleeding, or was that the kungfu animals? So once again you change the channel to the English channel. (all evening of 1) News, 2)Culture matters (again you’re just trying to veg out), 3)Lan Lan or Mike two effeminate Chinese pretty boy teenagers having adventures in China where language situations are preformed. (language program)

10. So it’s off to the bar, where oh look the teller girl who giggle and smiled politely to offer all sorts of reasons why she simply can’t transfer YOUR money back home so you’re ready to blow off (term for when Scientologists have enough of scientology and leave), she couldn’t understand the simple request of even giving you USD with a service charge… But now you see her charming the Laowais, with perfect english. Nah you’re just drunk have another. Tomorrow is just another day. where you get to transfer a mere 500 USD worth of RMB as you sigh and play their games.

There! are you guys scared enough now? DON’T COME TO CHINA. SAVE THE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE YOU CAN’T GET BACK. Go to Thailand, to go Brazil.. Stay in America…

and for a Bonus reason?
YOUR CHINESE PARTNERS WILL RIP YOU OFF, implicate you as a patsy for their blow off, on on that English gent’s case who was murdered, KILL YOU. if you haven’t done so already. (if not physically, they will steal your soul your manhood, as each factory you try to use after another fucks you over, causes you IRREPARABLE reputation as each project has failed, and or just take your money and blow off, leaving you holding the bag, bosses have done this, IPO’s have for websites.

China is like a movie set, Like court yard Square (a movie set of Universal Studios), like Al Bundy’s house (just the living room set). Like all you will hear are argumenents in the halls, Chinese love to use their outdoor voices, a fat fuzzy haired chinese monkey with red rosy cheeks, split pants, would be stomping his feet, saying “bu yao bu yao bu yao bu yao bu yao bu yao” This sound will sterlize you, so you don’t need a vasectemy. If you want kids tough titty says hello kitty.

You will be required to get a nose job once you return to where ever, involving just cutting it off, just to get the memory of this stinky place. Like everything smells metalic like oil like blue steel.

and your soul will be sucked in by the black holes called nostrels of these Chinese, especially the big fat fuzzy haired ones. That’s why they have that mmmmmmmmmm flat mouth expression they’re slowly sucking breathing in. Then they blow it out your soul in a puff of ciggerate smoking. Tell yourself that your soul is worth more than cheap 3 cent Chinese smokes!

7 Responses to “Top Ten Reasons Why China Sucks, From The King”

  1. aikido said

    aikido…

    […]Top Ten Reasons Why China Sucks, From The King « Understanding China, One Blog at a Time[…]…

  2. Patricia said

    I don’t like china there just so mean to us there country is so big and there getting stuff from us and just goes to that land and says this is mine

  3. Patricia said

    Btw I’m from the Philippines

  4. calvin said

    i agree that china really suck.I was adopt by a Chinese family and they made me do lots of studying.They even kick me out of their home because I got a be in my school year.That is how Chinese do it sucks .

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