Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Sexually Assaulted in an Elevator in China

Posted by w_thames_the_d on April 29, 2012


Despite what my blog posts may show, I am actually a sensitive and kind individual, case in point, my sexual assault in a Beijing elevator.

After sloughing through the NoX and coal filled air that the communists force upon their citizenry, I found myself at a local building where I frequently find myself. As per usual in China, many of the elevators in the fine establishment, which although only a decade old had more cracks in its veneer than the communist party which paid for its manufacture, were not functioning.

Thus, your amiable and handsome author was forced to use the ‘service elevator’ aka mini dungeon that houses those humans that the communists and locals consider to be less than the crap one scrapes from their tongue the morning after a few bottle of tequila or cali gold.

While in the mini dungeon, I was confronted by a chinese man of questionable intellect, or so I thought. In all actuality he was probably a professor at one of China’s best unis or a leader of the party.

In any event the many was unexceptional in every way shape and form minus a duet of liliputian coal black dots scattered on either side of a bulbous nose and slightly off center under a heaping mass of scaly dark locks doubling as hair.

Upon my entering his lair, the chinaman cast his lupine nose my way and gave me one of those looks that one has had to be incarcerated or under forced care ie-in places with padded walls and lots and lots of thorazine, to understand.

In an instant, the hackles on my well muscled neck rose and my fight or flight instinct kicked in. This is saying a lot for a country like China has more than its share of oddballs. After all, what would you expect when only a few decades back, siblings were considered a nutritous supplement to one’s lunch or dinner and the murder of teachers thought to be patriotic. In a word, this place has some very very bizarre people.

So there I stood holding my breath till my floor announced its presence. The coal face topped off with a pointy beak shifted his mug in such a way that a pair of ebola shaped lips parted and then in stammering Chinese the man asked if I had eaten- a common chinese greeting.

Being a human and considering it the polite thing to do I replied that no I had not, and asked if he had eaten. This was my mistake

Apparently the Wolf man, much like the communist party and kings and queens of certain countries, through selective breeding, had inherited some very odd traits. Aside from this, the notion of civility, which is as foreign as running water to men of his ilk, apparently mistook kindness for interest in he and his life.

The man sprung to action and mumbled something in a language that only people who consider bi-monthly baths a treat would understand. He then shoved out his scaly paw and smiled , touching my arm.

Ignoring the desire to kick him in the zipper, I tried to remain civil. After all, this is their world, and I am merely a prisoner therein, one must not be judgemental.

Hhahaha … I murmered as i plunged to the corner.. To humans, my actions would signal discomfort or disdain, but this is China.

The man continued on in his mumble goo and I, through tight lips was like, ya, uh hum ya…

The thing is that Chinese do not touch one another an they sure dont touch foreigners, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Once I was waiting for a flight in Argentina and saw three Thai men almost sitting atop one another each with their thands in the crotch of the guy in the middle, thus I figured his behaviour was perhaps cultural.

After a few seconds more, the guy shoves his hand at my shirt and touched my man-tit sayiing ‘ke ai’ or cute in Chinese.

Had I heard dueling banjoes at that moment I would have shit a texas sized load in my pants and looked for the guy with the brown teeth hollering
‘squeel like a pig!’ or his partner who uttered ‘he’s got a real pretty mouth…aint he!”
(Deliverance references)

I politely smacked his hand away and my eyes probably flashed red. I mean, a guy can only take so much. With a smile I then considered him as a Lion would a jackal in the serengetti. He was a force to be reckoned with.

Being Chinese, the man paid no heed and brushed it off. The silence we then shared was palpable.

My only quesiton is if this guy was just some local who, ignorant of the ways of humans got caught up in a forienger, or if a bath in industrial strenght cleanser is necessary after the mauling….

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