Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Prepare Yourself for Your China Visit- From The King…

Posted by w_thames_the_d on July 2, 2012


A poetic rant from The King- a true artist

“I don’t want to gloat, but you’ll enjoy your final months of living in the big stinky. I won’t go too much in detail as I really don’t want to spoil it, but if I could quantify it, it’s on Wujao (.006 USD), less than your first night in heaven. You know where sexy blond angels are rejocing you accepted heaven…. It’s like being granted the playboy mansion in Huge Heffner’s will, AND the US government has focused on rehabilitation, instead of figting the war on euphoric drugs, and thus euphoric drugs (not of the freaky kind, ie coke, crack), and it’s one huge party in uncle Huge’s pool). Leaving China is better than even THAT. here’s why:

Well it’s like this. China is hell. You’re LEAVING a hell realm…..

I’ll summarize the euphorica and psysiologicals of entering terminal to your China phase.

Firstly your body will start to feel very Cloud nine zen like. The numbness from toxins, both mental and physcical, and spritual toxins will start to be diluted as it’s peed out. The body knows to release toxic waste. You’ll feel dainty like a butterfly, you might even not notice the little floppy haired street shitter with his hand for your wallet. His stinky filthy Chinese hand. All those cheezy country music about young hard workng honest American farmers and workers. Or even BOLLYWOOD romances, or even get his Kylie Minogue videos actually make sense!

The banshee cauterwalling of Chinese ayees scoldng you for being a laowai not buying her crap, or walking too slow, or walking in her way, after they hold up with sidewalk and in hand, or just for being white. Doesn’t matter. The arguments in the halls with families over one fucking missing Kuai, you can’t hear it. The Chinese streets sound like SUBURBIA! (I swear to my Lord Jesus my savior, that this is is 100 5/4% true!

Your numb paralyized lungs will start to tingle again with circulation, and your skin start to bleat red in cravas’ and cracks of joints. They have dried up for a few years. YOU really feel it in the cheeks as if you had some classy wine. You will likely feel pain as these dead tissues are bathed in “healthy” blood. Just as you did during your wonder years back during the summer of grade 6, when suddenly your classmate girls have shaped shifted…. and grown ummm taller…. What I’m a Christian gentleman guys…. But you’ll feel like that. This is because your body knows you’re leaving, and is commanding your body to detoxify sadly, however permenant tissue damage will still exist. You can’t heal scars, only Jesus can do that. (or Allah), Buddah (will transplant your brain into outer space to higher dimensions, or reincarnate so this is yes or no). You won’t have your 21 year old Olympic Gold medalist body however. So please don’t spend TOO long in China…. that is if you must. The toxins, unless you’ve been living here for life. Should be able to get rid of what it can and regenerate. This is not the same however as rejuvinate. Remember I’ve seen TEENAGERS WITH WHITE HAIR. like 80 yea old strands of hair.

Well leaving China can only be described as the feeling of hope. And I honestly want people to feel this again, would it be homeless, or imprisoned Christians in prison, rebuilding their lives. Because I honestly feel like I’m 27 again. not bad. You actually feel like you’re 5 years younger.

There’s an imprisoned girl from Australia, in Bali right now, she was granted 5 years reprieve in addition to being well behaved she has knocked about 10 or so years off her sentence. She is also has the potential to serve out the last two years of her semtemce with family on Bali. Reading her story and this wonderful news, (this means in a year or so she can return to Australia) was very life giving.

Or is like how Anne Frank’s young womanhood vitals of her returned back into her body the closer the Freedom fighters pushed back Nazi Tyranny, damn fate damn for the reality of what happened. May Hitler keep giving blowjobs to Mussolini, Mao and Andropov, and Honneckr, and Arafat, and and and etc Mugabe, and Amin, Duvalier, Bush, Stalin etc etc etc, Pinochet, Castro, etc etc, while demonesses keep shitting on them.

Or the freedom fighters in Lybia, as the map on wikipedia showed ever so deminishing advances of rebel, the soul crushing depession of losing Sirte, but NEW HOPE (if you can get this reference yay for you), of the freedom fighters in Naseraf mountains, fighting to Tripoli.

Or even reading Brewski’s posts of the collapse of the poltical structures physially and allegorically about the CPC mechanisms. This actally is detoxic sweating of aborginal sweatlodges…. (however much won’t change in China, but now at least they have a choice as india has, stay in the dirt or climb out. The Indians have decided to climb out, as are the Myanmarese.

Just remember to keep a diary of your last year here. Future family who live in some happy future (hope will never die. Disney makes way too much money on this myth of “Happy Kingdom”), will want to read about the bad ass mother fucker who survived HELL, and remained human, but do give blood here. This way you win the Moral victory, saying up yours China, you tryed to destroy life the planet, I’m here to save it. I’m civilized you are a murderous beast. Also your Laowai blood who the Chinese hate whitey or Japan, is inside their body… Who can not have a naughty ha ha ha at that?

But yeah you’ll enjoy the psysiological effects to your body when you are about to leave the big stinky……. but it’s a big plus I bearly hear the car honking, and notice the daily arguments (madmax like feralness that is a nice quiet neighborhood in China (ummm just play the game Kane and Lynch, Dog days).

Or go play “Crazy taxi” a game where you frantically drive through a Californian city, that looks like a mix of San Fran and LA….

Thank you China…. Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write a young adult novel, thank you for giving me the inspiration to build a sailboat to ferry Koreans out of China to freedom land, giving me “penis power” within my community, thank you China for showing me what HELL is like, (infinity times worse than CHINA, and inspired me to give to the Lord, my everything). Thank you China for getting me out of a geeky autistic innershell of a slump, and convinced me to try again and join the Canadian Forces to defend all that is decent in the world (unChina) and use my talents to ensure the continuity of the democratic world (build stuff projects designed to strenghen conditions and legitimacy of democracy especially in the Post Cold war worlds. Oh I don’t know build a old folks home or orphanage or something in Romania or Moldavia or something as a wall against the return of these Dreadlord Reds), build a bunch of homes in Haiti for young girls to go to school or something.

Thank you China for inspiring me to be all I can be to try and prevent “Hunger Games”, Battle Royale, 1984, The Posman, Fallout1-3, Half life, or Cardassians from invading Earth.

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