Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Photos and (Dis) Service in China

Posted by w_thames_the_d on September 29, 2013


China invented bombs, death by 1000 cuts and infanticide as long as 5000 years ago, but have still failed to master the fine art of customer service.

Here is my story.

I went to get some pics taken and dreamer that I am, chanced that out of 1,300,000,000 Chinese, I could find one with a brain. Tucking this belief under my skull, I strode purposefully towards the nearest photo taking establishment.

Snaking past globs of falling phlegm, flicked boogers and stroll/stumbling Chinese, I quickly spied salvation and entered the store. The deaf mute behind the counter stared at me carp mouth agape showing me her omni colored orthodontia.

In my best mandarin, ‘ two pics’ I quoth.

Gaping mouth of she-ghoul flap up and down.

I use my hands, mimic taking a pic and again say, ‘zhao pian’.

The front and lowermost hole in her head spewed out a noxious mix of mandar-mush. ‘Squak, squeak, spew spew, shriek, shriek’ quoth the she-goat.

She then motioned to the Scramsung screen and asked which size I wanted. Dangling curlie q’s of fingers jabbed neurotically at the screen.

‘Which one’s you want?’ The she-beast hollered. ‘A or B?’

After giving my junk a good scratching, I sucked air through my teeth and shrugged, ‘ wo wu so way’ – I don’t care. ‘ Give me both sets’.

Chinese intelligence being what it is, she was stumped. Apparently communist education does not allow for such a reply to an either/or question.

The clogged neurons encapsulating her brain housing unit ground to a halt.

We had a Mexican standoff. Me with a handful of dead Mao’s in hand and her with shit on the brain.

Figuring that if a horse can be taught to count to three, than this crude beast could follow simple logic, I plowed forward once more.

In passable Mandar-gunk I said the following.

‘ you said I have two options, right?’ And waved two separate pieces of paper to punctuate the question.

Eyes rolled back in her skull then like a bobble head doll, once again found their way into a trance like state of reality. ‘Dui- yes’ she croaked.

After relishing in the mental orgasm that success was soon to be mine, I continued,’ and you said A and B are different , right?’

Idiot head shake, meaning yes.

‘ I want A’ i pause like an expectant father, ‘ and B’. I want both’

After succumbing to an aneurism, she half-face muttered mandar-mush in staccato bursts reminiscent of Japanese gunfire at Nanjing, back in the day.

Dodging her oral stupidity, I shrugged. Then in my usual patient tone and glare, I showed her once more I wanted both. Size A and size B.

Once agin she mangled some ancient Chinese dialect and howled like a hyena. Once again it did not compute. How could I possibly want two different sizes? Nobody in their right mind would want such a thing.

With monster like claws she then banged on her Srany keyboard and translated her question. Turning the screen she pointed at the results, ‘you are want, horse chick, and or monkey brains,’ said the top shelf Chinese translation ware.

Once again I mimed two pics, two sizes and my need and then quickly discerned leaping from the window would have been less painful at this point, but realizing I was on the first floor decided that too would be useless.

With my best Manson-like grin, I barely controlled myself and said once again I needed both pics, different sizes and all.

After that I was whisked to a dust riddled part of Guangzho where a woman delivered her family pride and joy, gnawed the umbilical chord free with her teeth then focused on me and snapped off a quick pic.

Thirty painful minutes later I was presented with the fruit of Chinese labor.

Four pics ALL THE SAME SIZE. No option A and option B, but some other choice.

I have lived here to be beyond feeling surprised at such Chinese quality and as a matter of fact, I’d of been more astonished if she had given me the right pictures than to have found carrots growing out of my ass. China is to customer service as Chernobyl is to ecology.

My suggestion:
These people need to be bundled up and shipped off to another planet.

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