Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Pigs, Slop and Eating with Chinese

Posted by w_thames_the_d on January 22, 2014


I just had breakfast at a slophouse, I mean Chinese restaurant. For those of you who have spent your life with civilized humans, you do not know what you are missing. To dine with the Chinese is to have a better understanding of just where the missing link truly is.

But first some background: the missing link is some life form which lies between skull crushing cave people and homo erectus, or people like us. While we have no idea where the missing link is, we figure it has to exist. After all, man did not jump from neanderthals to our present state without some transformation, and therein lies the missing link.

Now, assuming that Chinese are really human, we can see just where they fit in the bigger scheme of things. After all, they seem to possess traits shared by real humans, ie. bear live young, walk upright etc.

And if we accept that they are truly humans and not some bastardized life form which defies definition, we see that they are nothing less than that primal being which linked our caveman forebears to our present state.

Take for instance, the fact that cave people bludgeoned their ‘wives’ and yanked them off to dark corners in order to mate. We humans now substitute a blow to the skull with roofies and or a bottle of Boone’s Farm in order to render our ‘wives’ inert. The Chinese, however, do nothing of the sort. A quick punch to the kidneys is all a Chinaman needs to being his mate into submission.

Further proof of China’s link to the link lies in China’s obsession with food and eating. Cave people feasted on anything that moved, which may have included weaker races. The Chinese have been doing the same for thousands of years. In 230 BC, a Chinese emperor declared that baby girls could be eaten if the family was starving. Since then, Chinese have devolved into feasting of the flesh of teachers, Tibetans and nubile flesh of both boys and girls.

China’s ‘missing link’ traits do not end there as the Chinese seem to enjoy a similar style of eating with our ancestors of yore. Both ripped hanks of animals straight from the bone and munched noisily as they guarded food from friend and foe, a thing I experienced at breakfast.

The Chinese also share that curious stone age habit of masticating with maw agape, sharing with us all, the treasure that lies behind their granite colored teeth. I suppose this is done to evoke envy from those gathered around the brood of the missing link.

Another trait they share is the abject disdain for hygiene as witnessed by yours truly today. I saw a lady drop a steamed bun on the floor and then place it back on the communal plate. If they are not the missing link, then can anyone explain to which life form they belong?

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