Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Why Chinese Do Not Belong in Space

Posted by w_thames_the_d on March 2, 2014


Check this out, hilarious!



Ground Control to Major Tong.

July 2008

Pedagogue II – US/Russian/Japanese space station orbiting Earth

Colonel Bill Gertz USAF, 43.
Captain Yuri Andropov Russian Federation Air Force, 38.
Professor Kendo Nagasaki, scientist, 37.
Major Tong Ke, Chinese Air Force, 42.
Lieutenant Wang Ke, Chinese Air Force, 35.
Comrade Wang Er, CCP member and son of somebody, 32.

Scene: All is well on board Pedagogue II as Kendo monitors the progress of different types of grain seed germination in zero gravity. Bill runs his daily checks on the emergency systems while Yuri scans the monitors.

Yuri: Bill, I’m picking up something on the sensor, it’s a large object and it’s heading straight for us.

Bill: Are you getting any life readings?

Yuri: Kind of Bill, I’m picking up a large amount of unintelligible noise, massive, what seem to be, garlic emissions and what appears to be litter flying out in all directions. It’s a form of life Bill, but not as we know it.

Bill: Kendo, any ideas?

Kendo: (Face ashen) It sounds, it sounds like the Chinese Bill.

All: Oh shit!

Yuri: Have visual contact Bill. The craft seems to have collided with a satellite. It also seems to have deposited a large amount of faeces on the solar panels. It says “QQ-1 – Beijing 2008″ on the side. Estimated time of contact ten minutes.

Bill: Goddammit, those fuckers ain’t supposed to be here until 2010.

Kendo: It’s the Chinese way Bill.

Yuri: Who knows what they know.

Bill: The Chinese way eh?

Ten minutes later QQ-1 hits the side of the space station. After 47 attempts at docking they finally land home in the bay. Immediately an incessant banging starts on the hatch to the station.

Muffled voices: Kai men, kai men (voiceover by Daniel Craig ” Open the door, open the door.)

Bill: Hang on, hang on.

Bill opens the hatch door as bundles of floating litter, toilet paper and phlegm enter the space station.

Bill: You’re two years early, what the hell do you think you’re doing? And, one, two, three of you, there ain’t room or food for you guys. You can’t just do things like this without any warning.

Major Tong: Don’t worry Colonel Bill, we are all friend in Beijing Olympic year. Here, have a friendly Olympic mascot toy.

Bill: We haven’t got enough supplies (looks at Tong’s name badge) Major Tong, can you hear me Major Tong?

Tong: Don’t worry we’ve brought convenience noodles and vacuum-packed chickens’ feet in chilli oil. For you Colonel Bill I have a presentation box of Nescafe coffee. Mmm, just smell the quality. For Captain Yuri I have presentation box of Hunan pigs’ feet, for when you feel like you want to eat your own hands. And finally for Kendo we have a box.

Kendo: Oh thank you very much (bows), what is in it?

Tong: Fuck all Jap, but you will fill it with apologies and confessions for the Chinese motherland before we leave. Ok, where are we sleeping?

Bill: Er, well you’ll have to go in the storeroom for now, down there on the right. (Wang Ke goes to light a cigarette) I’m sorry gentlemen, no smoking, this is an oxygen rich atmosphere, you should know this.

Tong: We are not stupid Colonel Bill, we are all educated at the prestigious Beihang University, except for Wang Er who was educated at the prestigious Qinghua University. We are all trained in dam building and embezzlement, Wang Ke…Where is Wang Ke?

A loud explosion from the toilet causes the door to bulge out. There’s a puff of smoke and a cigarette butt falls out into the main corridor, closely followed by a lighter with a picture of Mao on it. The opening notes of The East is Red electronically chime form the lighter.

Bill: What the fuck?

Tong: Don’t worry, we will clean up.

Tong opens the door where the charred remains of Wang Ke stand and then disintegrate with the first touch filling the cabin with ash. Two hours later Bill enters the storeroom.

Bill: I think you should send a message back to Earth about your colleague.

Wang Er: Don’t try and force your imperialist ways upon us Yankee.

Bill: Eh?

Tong: What colleague? We are all here. All two of us.

Bill: But…

Tong: What colleague? Did you know Beijing is the first Olympics to have five mascots?

Bill: Hang on, what are all these tubes floating around? Hey, you’ve eaten all the food. Jesus Christ, we’ll all starve.

Tong: That was not food Colonel Bill, that was just a snack. Don’t worry, we’ve brought famous Sichuan hotpot and a hotplate to cook it on. Wang Er, show Colonel Bill real food.

Wang Er removes the lid only for the scalding, weightless contents to fly up in and burn his face off. Next day

Bill: Do you want to send a message about your colleague?

Tong: What colleague? I came alone.

Yuri: Bill, the garbage compactor is showing an ejection late last night.

Bill: Tong, did you eject his corpse?

Tong: Don’t worry Colonel Bill, I’ve re-wired the bathroom.

Bill: What the fuck? Why?

Tong: (shrugs shoulders) No reason.

Kendo goes into the bathroom.

Bill: No Kendo!

Noise of toilet flushing then a loud bang and fizz. A blackened Kendo staggers out of the bathroom with his hair sticking up.

Bill: You idiot, you’ve electrocuted our scientist.

Tong: Fuck him. Do you know what they did in Nanjing?

Yuri: Bill, the reactor is overheating.

Bill runs to the reactor chamber to find a bird’s nest of rattling pipes held together with duct tape and bandages and leaking steam.

Bill: Tong, did you do this?

Tong: I directed hot water to storeroom as it was too cold. I didn’t want to catch cold. Must drink hot water. But I tell you Colonel Bill. That water have a funny metallic taste. (Tong’s teeth and hair fall out and float away).

Bill: You fucking idiot, you’ll kill us all. You’ve only been on the scene five minutes and already everything is fucked.

Tong: You’re offending the great Chinese nation.

Bill: Yuri, radio Houston. We need urgent, repeat, urgent pick-up.

Yuri: Bill, the radio looks like it has been dismantled.

Bill: Tong, was that you?

Tong: I wanted to listen to Beijing Economics Radio.

Bill: Aaaarrrgghh! Can’t you guys leave anything alone. Why didn’t you just set the frequency?

Tong: I wanted to use my IKEA toolkit.

Bill: You fucking idiot!

Tong: Don’t blame me, blame the Swedish imperialists. Don’t worry, I can put it back together with the hammer.

Bill: Yuri, try and get a signal.

Kendo: Bill, we’ve got terminal oscillations.

Bill: Fuck, the reactor’s going to blow.

Tong: Who wants to play traditional Chinese chess?

Yuri: Bill I’m getting something. It’s radio. It’s, it’s music, it’s The Doors…

…The End

(by BJD)





One Response to “Why Chinese Do Not Belong in Space”

  1. Mig21 said

    “It’s a form of life Bill, but not as we know it.” HAHAHAHA!

    price less.

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