Understanding China, One Blog at a Time

An American in China

Tales From the Crypt-Living in China Lesson #1- Don’t Tell the Cops Where You Live

Posted by w_thames_the_d on October 23, 2014


Living in China is like being dragged down a gravel road in your bananna hammock, its quite painful. Thousands of years of abuse has encrusted the heart of these people with an impermeable scab which nothing short of atomic devastation can cure.

With that heart-rendering background, I thought I should share some of my wisdom from living in hell, or as you like to call it, China.

I have incredible ADD so cannot promise anything in the long term but right now this sounds like a great idea. Each day I think of it I will share a life lesson for anyone who is considering going to China. Consider it my word for the wise.

Big brother is alive and well in China, avoid him at all costs
China is spooky, the people watch everything. They have been brainwashed into thinking we are all out to get them and their reaction to this untruth is to watch every move we make. All foreigners must be up to no good, they reason, for there are 1.4 billion Chinese wanting to get out. Who in their right mind wants to come in!

Bearing that in mind, they watch us. I am not joking. The local cops tell people in your apartment building to keep an eye out on you. They figure us to be lecherous drug addicts hell bent on sleeping with all that which the Chinese approximate to be women.

A friend of mine was actually canned from two teaching jobs for just that, but that’s beside the point. They have 1,400,000,000 people and 200,000 riots per year. Don’t they have bigger fish to fry than to spy on some university professor? Apparently not.

Lie to the cops about where you live
China is essentially a police state and within one or two days of moving in you have to notify the gestapo of your place of residence. The cops are picky about this. You can get high at Beijing or Guangzhou and chances are you are ok. Buy a hooker near the hutongs, no problem. But fail to register where you live and you will be standing in the pokey next to some Chinese Nobel Prize winner.

Aside from the obvious reasons for doing this, ie they don’t want to waste time finding us when the next major clash occurs, is that they can screw with your internet connection. The communists are as afraid of information and truth as they are of Japanese invaders. The way they curtail that is with hardcore cyber tools. Once they know where you live they have your IP address and can ensure your VPN is blocked.

VPN’s
For those who don’t know, a VPN is a secure network which allows you to bypass the Great Wall of Oppression and surf the net like a human.

Which brings me to my conclusion. For years I paid some realtor to lie about where I lived. During that time my VPN worked like a charm. Once I was forced to tell the truth about my residence the VPN was at times useless. For example, I could not access Gmail even while using it. The only thing I can think of is how divulging my whereabouts hosed me.

Lesson learned, buddy up to some apartment pimp, ie realtor and slip him 100 RMB to forge a contract and take it to the PSB and register a fake address for you. Tell him you don’t want your ex finding you or something, it is China, they do almost anything for some coin.

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