Today I met with a business partner from abroad who is setting up shop in China. First order of business, he told me, was to set up a bank account here in China. Hmmm I thought, I really don’t think it is a good day for this type of endeavor, ie a Friday in China the banks work with the efficiency of the an ancient Atari in an XBOX 360 world. But assuming him to be a masochist and I being somewhat of a sadist at times, I commended him on the idea and off we sloughed to the heart of Beijing’s financial district.
After pulling a piece of paper with a number attached which gave us the right to wait at the bank, we commandeered a few seats amongst the locals who for lack of anything better to do alternated between staring at us, spitting and sleeping. After a thirty minute interval, our number came up and we scampered off to be ‘serviced’ China style.
Waiting for us behind inches of bullet proof glass was a functionary of indeterminate gender with an abutment for a bottom lip protruding from the cinder block skull perched upon a suggestion of shoulders and the keen intellect of a hunk of leather. After establishing its dominance by burping into the mic, it then mumbled “jxxmxnt” which my associate took as a sign of friendship.
Being a Brit, the man spoke in perfect Queens English and said he’d like to open a bank account. This was met by facial lacerations that some might equate for nervousness or anxiety which played over the massive pudnam of our host. After several minutes, the helper understood our words and then produced what was in thickness and weight, an equivalent of a Chicago phone book that doubled as the paperwork necessary for such an endeavor.
My pal took one look and said that as time was of the essence he’d forgo the bank account for the day and would like to buy some Euros. The skull stared, and bottom lip trembled as the skull man considered our words while cultivating dandruff with his pincer like fingers. Covering the mic he asked the person next to him just wtf we were taking about. Turning back to us he assured us that this was not possible.
Pointing at the exchange sign, I stated that yes we could buy Euros, the man simply stared. Rising I then moved to one of the ‘managers’, who fail in that definition in western civilization but thrive in China. I approached her cautiously so she’d know that I came in peace and asked if we may buy Euros. Offering what she believed to be a smile, the hulking figure said ‘of course’ as if a sillier question had never been asked. Stumbling to the teller with me, she told him what we wanted. When the man was unable to explain how much 1000 Euros cost in communist cash, I gave up trying, figured if I had been trying to barter twine and hogs for hatchlings and twigs, I’d probably have gotten a quote and been out of there hours ago.
Finally the man figured out our needs and extended a fragile finger towards the far end of the bank and told us to wait in that line. My friend took one look at the doddering elderlies and thanked the man but said it was ok, we’d go elsewhere.
In search of the elusive Euro, we then went China everbirght bank where a chipper young lady assured us that buying euros was no problem here. She did tell us that forefingers can only buy 500U$ worth. unconcerned with the chinese vodoo math behind the purchase we explained that we wanted to buy euros and asked how much the limit was. Smiling she said 300 Euros and we said sold.
My friend began filling out the requisite papers and then signed on the dotted line. Mrs chipper showed up again and said that the only denomination they had n Euros was a 500 . We said the 500 would be fine and she said that of course we could not buy a 500 note as we were foreigners. “So a foreigner cannot buy euros here, is this right?” I asked, and she concurred.
Growing frustrated, my associated then raced out and we found a bank of beijing. We were told that buying euros was no problem, but at the moment they only had 100, but if we cared to wait a bit, they would surely have more.
Looking as if a coronary was looming on the horizon, my associate became agitated. “Dont worry, its the financial center of china, the elusive euro cannot be far away.” i said.
After sever trips to several banks we found ourselves overladen with communist cash. The sage communist government has decided that 100rmb notes are the largest currency they have, so my associate now with pants stuffed to the hilt with red Chinese bank notes and looking like Richie Rich asked what he was supposed to do.
I pointed at a local eatery and asked if he wanted chow. The guy shook his head and said nah, he was going back to the office.
Living in China it is sometimes like this. just when you think they have it dialed in and have stepped up to the new millennium, you go to a bank, or a hotel, or air china and leave shaking your head….