This morning, as with every morning, I took the subway to work. As the cost of living here, insofar as cabs is concerned, is quite low, but I like to take in the local scenery as it were. Thus, the Beijing subway is my weapon of choice for mobility.
The subway offers one an unbridled glimpse into the scarred mass that is the collective soul of your typical chinaman and woman alike. Frequently one will catch glimpses of lesbians making out, women punching men and two ‘nellie boys’ clubbing each other like ‘ballas’- all of which I have seen in the past week.
Today, however, I caught sight of another interesting Chinese phenomenon- rampant jealousy and ‘foreigner hating’. The problem is that your typical chinaman is built like an end-lamp and your typical chinawoman, being somewhat human, marvels at the body of a ‘real man’- foreigner.
Although I do not profess that all foreigners coming to China, your present author included, have a build like Adonis, they beat most anything found on the locals. Thus the impact is that for the wandering eye of the local chinese fe-males, the ‘zipper area’ of a foreigner is enchanting indeed.
The local men, of course, know this and act accordingly. When a foreigner is in their midst they tend to clutch their ‘jack-toothed’ women to their scrawny bodies in an attempt to shield her from this negative influence. What this behaviour accomplishes, however, is nothing less than make us a more inviting target.
Today, for instance, while on my way to work, I had the rarest of all Chinese experiences-I was able to take a seat on the subway. As luck would have it a seat opened on my right and a local mush-faced chinawoman proceeded to that seat, much to the chagrin of her man-friend. As she plopped her non-existent rear next to me, the man glared with rage.
His canary skin furrowed into a look of hate as he glanced at her and me, wondering who was worse. This being China, the group think pehrmone kicked in and other chinese men joined in the ‘glare fest’ at your cherubic author. In a country with 30,000,000 spare men, the thought of a foreigner taking one of their ‘goodies’ is deplorable indeed.
So the ‘man-friend’ of this woman is staring at me and doing the math. Here he is, not tall enough to ride the ‘widow-maker’ at the local fair and with feet the size of thimbles, and he’s wondering what he can do. Although it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog, a man who weighs no more than a bag of potato chips would not fare well against your normal human.
The woman to my side enjoyed the attention heaped onto her by the collective Chinese manhood as she settled in ever closer to yours truly. Being such a dashing individual, I have grown accustomed to such things. and possessing a healthy dose of the ‘instigator gene’, I have at times thrown proverbial gas on the fire.
But not today. Today as i sat there considering my fate and that of my fellow Chinese, I could do nothing. Here is a man, I reasoned, who like 1,340,000,000 is fighting for the exact same things. To us what is no more than a table scrap, is a meal to your typical person in China, thus why should I make his life more miserable. Day in and day out, this man comes face-face witht the wretched reality of what living in China is like, so why should I add to his misery?
Then I decided ‘to hell with it’. In China there are no innocents…..and chatted up the little fairy at my side
hahahhaahahhaahahhaah