Chowing With Chicoms

This past weekend China celebrated the end of the lunar new year. Its a time of bittersweet feelings as the joy of receiving illegally gotten funds- bribes, is matched with the angst of being forced to lie next to their wives and not some road worn KTV hag. But alas, all good things must come to an end and so it has.

Before it ended, however, your faithful author and teller of truths, had the extreme displeasure of chowing with chicoms, local thugtard leaders. For those of you who hail from all parts civil, the reality of the ruling body in China may be hard to comprehend, so allow me to explain.

China is a communist country with roots in 1949. The party coup transpired after the reds hid in the western part of China and allowed the KMT to tire themselves by fighting local warlords and the Japanese and then took control of this place. The leaders, for the most part, were thuggish men with the soul of a rattler and simion-esque countenance. The new emperors were duds and sons of local land holders and female dogs. The thugs rolled into Beijing and took control.

Power in the party is absolute and the communist party has been equated to having a god-like presence, it is everywhere. The common Chinese do not elect their leaders and have no say whatsoever in their governance- but that has been true for the past 3000 years. Positions in the party can be bought and sold, ensuring further corruption within its system.

Back to dinner…
So I am at a local watering hole, aka restaurant where I was surrounded by yes men aka older party members. Their midnight black hair was a testament to vanity and massive doses of some off-brand Chinese hair dye and each came equipped with a man purse, Iphone and ignorance.

The leader of the group, a rotund man with a porcine-head smelled like ‘ Pervert Flavored Kool Aid’ which was a nice offset to the general scent of arrogance sprinkled with foolishness that abounded.

For dinner, we were treated to some dish that was typically consumed on such occasions and supposedly endowed its consumers fortune and luck- …yeah, how is that working for you China?

The food was a gelatinous scrum of mucous colored hunks of rice husk and red beans that tasted vaguely of cancer. Being a sensitive man of the world, I complimented them on their choice then rushed off to regurgitate the noxious ‘sustenance’ from my system.

Upon returning to the table, I wiped the snaggly bits of foodstuff from my plump mouth and apologized for my absence. After a few hours of toasts and abject boredom, I excused myself, went home and took a long hot shower.

The funny thing about the leaders here is how far removed from reality they are. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and absolute ignorance ensures its survival.

The King Brings the Funny- Buses, Tigers and Ignorance

Great poem from the once and future King- Gowron

Gowron original
“There was a tourist from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger.”

Fuck you China. Blame Japan.

http://www.shanghaidaily.com/article/?id=493743

Baseball, Dating and Chinese Women

I am going to shed my politically correct image for a spell and share some secrets about the big stinky- aka the Peoples Republic of China.
Assuming that most of you have never been to Red ville, or perhaps have just passed through for a quickie, then let me explain.

Dating in China,or so Im told, is like hunting for badgers. Its exciting, dangerous, and rarely rewarding. I have it on good stead that Chinese women are, how should I put this delicately….?

Hmmm allow me to use an analogy for what dating is like in China.

For all my peeps across the pond, I am sorry but I am going to use baseball jargon so this may be a bit hard to comprehend so have a crumpet and bear with me.

Ok, equating Chinese women to pitches in baseball.

1-
Breed of chinawoman- mothers of little one child disappointments who are studying English.

Pitch – Meatball

What it means- A meatball is a pitch that was thrown with neither force nor skill. It dangles lazily in the air just begging to be smashed over whichever fence you choose. It is the type of pitch that even a semi-lout can take deep to left. Pitches like this are the things of .400 seasons

Caveat- Unfortunately both chinese mothers and chinese sneakers share more than being made in the same place. Both do not wear well and after a few uses the seams are peaking through, they are pretty ripe craggedy and look like hell. The mothers, not for want of trying, have the countenance of one who’s been down that road before- think Tipton Iowa rehab, and the remaining strands of hair stuck to their skulls has seen better days- think Goodwill toys.They are as abundant as bacteria and ready to take a swing, however.

2-
Breed of chinawoman- woman who wants to go to school abroad

Pitch – Hanging curveball

What it means-This is a pitch meant to come at you then swoop away like a warplane. The problem, however is that with improper motion, the ball fails to swoop. What is left is something akin to a meatball by the time its gets home. You notices the spin is off and then step into it , smashing it to left. The pitch is optimum for homers and takes little to no skill.

Caveat- Chinese in this category are little less than chin-bots, ie less than useful conglomerates of carbon for whom the use of nouns and verbs is a hazard. If good conversation is what you crave, pass on these toads.

3-
Breed of chinawoman- woman who is studying for English placement tests

Pitch – Fastball

What it means-A good weapon or a homer, depending on placement. A fastball comes in hard and heavy and if you don’t jump all over it, it will be gone in the bat of an eye. You have miliseconds to decide if its a keeper, and if so you have got to attack. Due to the velocity of the pitch, it can be sent for miles or can end up in a whiff….

Caveat- This breed of chinawoman has less verbal acumen than the above. If you can mime what it is that you wish, you are in like hugh hefner

4-
Breed of chinawoman- the other 649,000,000

Pitch – off speed pitch in the dirt

What it means-This is a pitch meant that is meant to be chased. Either on purpose or accident, the thing ends up in the chalk line at your feet. It’s pretty difficult to get a clean shot at and usually you miss, looking pretty dumb.

Caveat- The numbers in this category are astounding , twice as big as the USA. The problem is they are Chinese. This does not mean much if doughy english bulldog like eyelids is tour thing but even if it is , there is a whole lot more. They will whimper, wine and cajole, mumbling sweet nothings like ” buy mommie and daddie a home, its our culture”. Like the Biblical locusts they will eat you out of house and home leaving a shell where your self esteem used to be. Do yourself a favor, let a pinch hitter take your at bat here.

Has Been’s, Never Were’s and Wash Ups, China Welcomes You

Unless your company has sent you here and is offering some nice perks for you to stay, most people from civilization would prefer to live in ABC, anywhere but China.(Caveat- there are some guys who after getting their asses kicked in the schoolyard their entire lives, do seem to enjoy this place, they do Tai Qi, they wear the local gear, learn Chinese and bed down with the local approximation of women, whatever that means here)

But for most of us guys, men with options, China is nothing more than a zit on the complexion of our lives. An ugly truth of the moment that will either disappear from our memory banks and skin with some abrasive cleansers or time. For those of us this place is cool for we get laughs a plenty and our time is filled with ‘you have got to be shitting me, did that really happen?”
And then we rush home and thank the gods of fate that we came from Nicaragua, Papua New Guinea, or anywere but this shit stain.

But I digress…
I just saw an ad for the group Roxette, they will be playing in China. Hmm, Roxette..
I have a vague recollection of a few days beyond elephant leg jeans and peace symbols, but ah yes, Roxette a product of the ‘big hair days’, cheeseball actors, Ferris Buhler and such. Sure they had one pimp song, but that was what, back in the days of LP records?

I guess a place like C? China has problems getting the real talent, after all, who wants to come here and be told what they can sing, say and do? In addition, NoX fumes are not good for one’s vocal chords.

China will take the refuse, the old, the not so relevant and spin them as being the ‘shizzle’ ‘da bomb’ the hottest thing since forced love for a pedophile leader, the big Mao man- allegedly.,..,

Yeah, Roxette is coming to China, my reactions
1- are they still alive
2- if they are alive , why? They must not have made enough ‘paper’ to have procured the good heroin and secured for themselves an early demise
3- wtf is up with china who worship ABC, anything but china and love those foreigners who are willing to learn the heathen tongue of these mongrels. And whom, upon seeing that they have mastered the lingua franca of this dump then confer a god-lke status upon them.
4-irrespective of their lack of voice in the 2012’s, the group will be rocking in front of a packed house, for the Chinese would hate to miss the opportunity to see real humans who have stomached their disdain for thieving reds and have actually come to this place just to see them…

Chinese Losers- Funny Photo from www.chinesepeoplehavenostyle.com

Hilarious photo from a guy who is an expert in design, fashion and wit. The site can be found here and is pretty informative. To me, fashion is defined by clean boxers and flip flops as I tear through a TV dinner and past seasons of ‘Oz’ or ‘The Shield’. But the owner of this site has style dialed in and he takes us through Chian’s fashion faux pas and also provides insight into what it is like to live in the big stinky- China…

Here is his lead in and the photo is all his…
Referring to the pic
“It reads: “Look at all these losers you find them everywhere”. Although not very nice, I would have to say it’s pretty accurate here on the Mainland… Consider, for example, all the ruxurious clones in China. ”

continue here
http://chinesepeoplehavenostyle.com/2012/02/04/literally-losers-peoples-square/

Awesome Vid- Mainlander Takes a Dump in The Streets of Hong Kong

The King found this one. Supposedly a guy from the mainland is pictured here. He’s taking a dump in the streets in front of everyone…

http://shanghaiist.com/2012/02/06/watch_supposedly_mainland_chinese_g.php

Chinese Taxi

Modern day coolie